From unreal to real
From darkness to ligh
From mortal to immortality lead me
(Pavamana Mantra, Brihadaranyaka Upanishad 1.3.28)
Text 1. Conversations about Guru
Guru is the Sun that illuminates the path. The presence of a realized Guru in a person's life is a great fortune, which is possible as a result of blessings, good karma and true intention.
At the beginning of the 2000s, I had a friend. I was a spiritual authority for him then. At every meeting, he asked me how to recognize a real guru from a fake one. Now, I can't remember exactly what I answered him, but I can definitely say that he probably didn't need my answers. Later that friend became a follower of Sri Chinmoy. He began to go to various meetings of the same followers as himself, and later also organized similar ones in his city. For more than two decades, he has adhered to his views and lifestyle, so the choice was made correctly.
I had another friend then. He is older than me by more than ten years. He was in the Society for Krishna Consciousness and already had a guru at that time. A good, intellectual person with moral principles, he always communicated sincerely with me. Why don't you choose a guru, he told me, since you've been practicing yoga for a long time? I told him that I didn't have to choose because it had already happened in the past. I feel a connection with my guru. But I don't know whether he is now in the physical body or in the subtle, I only have the feeling of presence. I don't know the name of my guru and where he is now and whether I will see him in physical body in this my life. But clearly my heart responds to one immortal Himalayan Yogi. I feel it in my heart and know that somewhere here is my spiritual path. To this, the friend said that then I should contact the disciples of Yogananda Paramahansa (because Yogananda is related to that Yogi) and become a disciple in this line. But it didn't resonate in my heart. I felt the Guru inside me and this was my path.
Text 2. The beginning of the journey to inside
My conscious turning inside myself happened at the age of 16. In the summer of 1989, my entire psychic nature received a strong shock and a reorientation from external to internal cognition took place. Nothing happened in the outside world that could cause stress. Everything was normal – I played sports and studies in school. I put everything into sports and was passionate about it. And so, one can say on a flat place, a spiritual upheaval and rebirth happened. No one influenced me, even there was no one to talk to about such a topic. However, almost for a year I have been practicing yoga by a good book.
When the chick feels that it is time to hatch from the egg, it cannot wait any longer. The time has come and nothing will stop the inevitable. I had the same. The time has come and the past sankalpa began to beat on the shell of my worldview.
It was total. I went in search of the meaning of existence, in search of God, in search of myself. I separated the unimportant from the important and in the end I came to the fact that nothing can be more important than the Lord. After all, the Lord is the end of all our searches and all our roads. I still had to understand who is the Lord and who is "I", but the target was chosen and the arrow of intention was drawn.
Sankalpa, prarabdha karma and the invisible presence of something or someone paved the path for me. The results didn't have to wait long. The effort was proportional to the result. But these were not the efforts of an athlete, but of a person who cannot wait a long time. To wait what belongs to person from the very beginning time.
The search for truth is always accompanied by cutting off the superfluous, that which is not this truth. One of the main obstacles on the path of the seeker of truth is the proud mind and "ego" of the seeker himself. And the presence, although not visible, of a spiritual teacher corrects the knots tied by the cunning mind.
I remember how in special moments of my life I looked at the sun during the setting and felt a connection with the guru, with the teachers, whom I did not know but only felt. Sometimes I dreamed of a guru. I didn't see his face, only his images. Once something happened in a dream.
Text 3. Experience of unreality
I had this dreaming when I was 19-20 years old. I was in some kind of temple, something like a church, but not a church. There was a book in the altar part and someone had to read it. However, the reader never appeared. Then I felt that surely I should do it – the feeling is like waiting for yourself. I stand up and went to the book and stood facing the people and my back to the altar. Opened the book. Prepared to read. And as soon as I tried to read, everything began to change around me, like another dimension. I cannot describe what happened. I cannot find the words to describe this experienc.
I saw that everything that exists is unreal. That this world seems to have been turned on the other side like a stocking. I saw that everything does not exist. Everything is an illusion. I, all of us, the universe – all this does not exist. There is only some lonely totality. There were no images, no visions, no dreams, no ideas about the world. It is unspeakably painful for the mind to perceive this, because it is the end for it. And so in such totality I felt someone's presence. I don't know who it was. He was just there for me, that's all. He witnessed my experience, or maybe something else, I don't know.
I had many different dreams. If record them, I can write more than one book. Some dreams were like a lifetime. Then later, in meditations, I saw how dreams are dreamed, how dream pictures are created on the screen of inner vision. These are all tricks of the mind, but everything that happens in life is the mind, and only in meditation and samadhi, where the realm of the mind ends, can one be free from ideas and images. And so, like everything else, dreams are a part of our life and they are different. In a dream, memories from a past life may come, there may be something that has not yet happened, but often in a dreams it is just the mind and its illusions. There are special dreams that are remembered for a lifetime. In one of them I saw my Guru.
Text 4. Guru comes to me in a dream
In a dream, he came as in real life. He wasn't wearing clothes, but I didn't feel that he was naked, there must have been something, although I wasn't paying attention – I didn't care about it. The Guru had a beautiful black beard and black hair that seemed to curl. He was a little shorter than me (I am 175 cm tall), his body was not thin, but not full either.
It was very good in his presence. I felt that his spiritual greatness reached unfathomable heights, but he didn't look down on me, there was only love and equality, like pure and indivisible Advaita. He joked a lot. We laughed. The feeling of the guru's presence remained for a long time in my mind even after awakening. Even now I can recreate these images and tastes. The Guru and I didn't talk about anything special, the special was said without words, because the very appearance of the Guru, even in a dream, is already like a darshan and a blessing.
Text 5. The arrival of the Master from India
I have always avoided all kinds of spiritual gatherings and party. I was never attracted to the collective path of salvation and enlightenment. Many of the modern, famous and fashionable spiritual authorities don't evoke any emotions in me. Avatars, bhagavans and hyped gurus passed my attention and I didn't even look in their direction. My path has always been narrow and I have always known that the Lord and the Truth must be sought within, and not tire the body by walking around the world in search of spiritual impressions. Everything that is necessary must come as a result of inner work and concentration. Often, inner pain and dissatisfaction are the cause of spiritual inquiry, which later leads to enlightenment.
When a person close to me invited me to attend a meeting with an Indian Master who came to Ukraine, I refused because of the above-mentioned reason. I thought – why should I walk in other people's paths, I have the feeling of Guru and his support, so why should I create a precedent and confuse energies within myself.
I didn't go to that meeting, unlike my friend who, having met an Indian Master, accepted guru-diksha and became his disciple. I was sincerely happy for my friend.I heard about this Master and I had great respect for him. I advised some of my close friends who were walking on the path of spirituality to take diksha from him and thereby create a favorable opportunity for spiritual progress. But personally I wasn't going to accept diksha from this Master, because I believed in my Guru, I believed in the Lord and I believed in myself.
Text 6. Decision to take a diksha
Walking the spiritual path, we have not only support, but also many traps. It's not so difficult to get into them. Traps can be anywhere. The higher the climb, the more skillful the traps become. They don't know pity and it is impossible to persuade them or agree with them. They have a great advantage over human nature - traps are devoid of ego and pride, they quietly do their work. Traps aren't saddened by failures and don't boast of victories, they relentlessly go about their insidious job, skillfully hiding their marks and disguising all their activities and presence.
But the traps perform an important mission, without them our path would not make sense. Growing above them, we become even stronger, more skilled and wiser. In this process, we have a great helper and friend, who can be the most insidious traitor at the same time, this is our constant companion, this is our mind. Without our mind, there would be no traps, but there would also be no way to follow the path. The worst thing that can happen in this situation is a proud mind. Such a mind overshadows everything and a person easily falls into snare created by traps. And when the mind is revealed and its activity is revealed, then it can become a true friend.
Going my path I began to feel that my need for certain things was disappeared but I was more and more exposed to the ignorance of my own mind. It's unpleasant to see one's own ignorance, but I understood that this is useful for my spiritual progress, and in order to move forward, it's necessary to accept it. Such a paradoxical thing – you see that you have spiritually taken a step forward, but you have even more exposed the ignorance of your own mind.
In the same period of time, I had a vital need to resolve important issues related to my musical creativity. In search, I walked forest roads for hours, looking for answers to questions that time and karma created for me. Faith in God, faith in one's own path and the Teachers didn't allow me to lose the sense of light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel was never going to end.
It happens that the mind surrender for a moment and this gives an opportunity to show the heart and naturalness. This happens, and real decisions come unexpectedly, like flashes of light in our consciousness, and over time you become more and more convinced that they were right.
So, I decided to receive guru-diksha from the Himalayan Master, to whom I didn't go to meet two years ago. My mind surrender and I felt and understood that through this Master I needed to join the one and those with whom I had a connection from the very beginning of my spiritual journey and which has always been and is mine. Every day, my confidence in the decision increased. In addition to this, while reading the book written by this Master, I saw certain signs for myself and everything described there coincided 100% with my worldview.
One unremarkable story was special for me in this book. The fragment from this story is very simple, but I understand from it that it is mine. It described how the author of the book first got to the Himalayan cave of his Guru. In this cave there were four great personalities, who with their spiritual greatness can light up the sky if the Sun disappeared on it. And so, when they all had dinner together, the author, as a newcomer and respectfully devoted to great holy people, decided to wash the dishes after everyone, then Guru stopped him saying: "Where have you gone, sit down? We have neither higher nor lower. We all manifestations of the same essence. And those habits of yours, which you inherited from society, leave where you came from. Everyone will wash his own plate." Such words of the great yogi were like a balm for my soul. Everything was clear to me in this above situation. The truth is very often hidden in simple things. I saw what I needed.
The time comes and we make a decision. Everything happens, but you have to wait. From the decision made changes began and the invisible internal wheels-mechanisms of intentions began to spin. I waited almost a year and it happened. My diksha happened. My Guru touched me and something new was born. Everything I knew was left behind the door of the room in which I took diksha.
I was preparing myself for diksha. I threw away everything I know, because I understood that only an empty jug can really be filled, and I wanted to be filled, so I surrendered myself to the Lord and surrendered myself to the Guru.
Before diksha I stayed up all night. In order to remove obstacles that the mind and ego can create, I was chanting mantra by rudraksha. I was applying the Lord with intention and sincerely wanted to be the channel of His energies and not the implementer of my own ambitions and desires, because a proud mind and ego can create a very cunning trap.
Text 7. Meeting with Guru. Diksha
Babaji exited the airport terminal quickly, like a teenager (or so it seemed to me). A sincere smile, like the Sun, illuminated those who met him, including me. Everyone rushed to meet him to welcome. It looked very touching. Babaji was blessing everyone, and I, as usually, was the last in line for the blessing of the Great Himalayan Yogi. But this did not happen to me - Babaji, one might say, ran away from me, heading towards the car. Everyone was blessed except me. It didn't upset me, although there was some strange feeling that I can't explain. Probably I entered the field of this great person and my condition of consciousness began to change. I was very close to Babaji, I even managed to see his shoes and jet-black hair up close. However, the blessing passed me by.
Together with others, I followed Babaji to where he was to live for the next 5-6 days.
Despite the long connecting flight, Babaji was already sitting among his disciples and other attendees a few hours after his arrival. Everyone approached him for pranam and got blessings. My turn has come too.
Babaji was sitting in a soft chair, I came closer and bent down and touched his feet with my hands. Suddenly, as I was bent over, Babaji slapped me twice on the back between the shoulder blades opposite the heart. The blows were as skillful as a massage therapist. My body reacted like a spring, I suddenly straightened up and our eyes met. Everything was very fast and beyond logic. Babaji was sitting, and I was kneeling, so our heads were level. We looked at each other, and no one looked away. I don't know what it was. It ended as naturally as it began. I gained much in that silent gaze. Since everything happened outside the mind, there was no interpretation – it was outside the mind. As if nothing happened, but there was almost everything that was needed, some gigabytes of information filled something invisible in me. At the end, Babaji barely perceptible nodded his head to me, and I understood that everything was right.
I took my seat and when the pranam was over for everyone, we witnessed a special event. Babaji froze, his head falling on his chest as if in jalandhara bandha. The room became silence, everyone calmed down and almost froze too – a special atmosphere prevailed. It lasted for 15-20 minutes while Babaji was in this state.
Every day we all came to Babaji. Received blessings. Someone was taking diksha. Someone was just sitting next to the Guru. Some asked him questions, solved their spiritual and life problems. And some simply asked questions (it is human nature to ask questions). Babaji answered everyone patiently and with great respect. On one of these days, I also received diksha.
After diksha, in the evening, I and others had a meeting with Guruji. It seems that Baba didn't even say anything then – we just sat together. When Babaji was about to go to his room, everyone got up, and he blessed everyone as he left. But he just passed me by. This confused me, because he couldn't casually miss me. I took diksha in the morning and this is the situation in the evening. I saw it as a task and sent myself to find an answer.
After about an hour of concentration, the light of understanding and awareness began to break through into my consciousness. In fact, the Guru didn't pass me, but blessed me in such a way that from the very beginning of my journey as a disciple, he taught me an invaluable lesson. I understood that we shouldn't wait for blessings like manna from heaven or like chicks in a nest, with their beaks open, waiting for food from their parents. Blessings, like everything else, just have to happen. Also, the Guru hinted in this way that I shouldn't get attached to him as a person and to his surrounding, because this could become a trap on my path. And I saw many who were deeply stuck in this, because love for the Guru can easily turn into a sticky attachment, and the surrounding can drag in and make its mark.
After realizing the lesson, it became very easy and joyful for me. I felt freedom, my path and the presence of my Guru.
The next day, I didn't expect anything from my Master – I simply stood like one infinity in front of another infinity, and didn't prevent anything from happening or not happening. It was obvious that the Guru had read my thoughts. Guru blessed me, his hands touched my head and I understood what he wanted to tell me. An incredible game between Master and his disciple – without words is even more understandable. No words can express what the heart says
Text 8. Guru is a bridge
Just as two are needed for the birth of a new life – mother and father, so also two are needed for the birth of a higher nature – a disciple and a Guru. This mystery happens and the seed of immortality falls into the ground and begins to sprout. My Guru always says that he is only a bridge for the disciple to cross over to the other shore, and one shouldn't create a place for worship or rest on the bridge.
The same bridge for my Guru was his Guru. Once Babaji was talking about his Guru: "My Guruji never allowed me to stand near him for a long time. He even did it more seriously. When I was coming to him, he spoke to me, "Eat khichri. There is a pot, rice, cook and eat khichri. Eat. Now go. You can not wash the plate." It happened many times. Once, I asked, "Why does this happen? I came to the Guru. Give me something, teach me something!" – and he, – "I gave you everything what you needed, I touched you. Go." – And then I understood everything and didn't come to him for 11 years. Later, on the Great Kumbha Mela, during my bath in the Ganges, my Guru came out of the water and said, – "Ah, cool yogi? Go on!", – and entered back into the water. And then I understood – I must go further."
The relationship between guru and disciple is always individual. Although many may have one guru, everyone has their own path, so the results are never the same. This is due to various factors: features of the psyche, character, past karma and many other things. But the most important thing in this relationship is intention and determination.
Babaji says: “We met in this life because we met in the past. If there was nothing in the past, there would be nothing in the present either." So, anyone doesn't receive initiation into guru-diksha, because there are no accidents.
Once I was looking at the pictures of the Guru. These were black-and-white photos taken when he was still traveling in the Himalayas and walking around with almost no clothes on. Looking at one of the photos, I recognized Guru from my dream (I wrote about this dream earlier), which I had almost fifteen years ago. Height, hair, beard, figure – everything was the same as in the dream. I can't make sense of everything what's going on, but I don't need to, because my main task now is to turn the pedals, because I have entrusted the turning of the wheel to my Guru, blessing and Diksha.
It's also worth mentioning that the immortal Himalayan Yogi (whom I mentioned in conversation with my friend with the Society for Krishna Consciousness, and to whom my heart responded) is connected with my Guru. According to Guruji, he met that Great Master hundreds of times, received invaluable knowledge and practices from him, and many other things connect them both. So, my feelings were not in an empty place, there was something hidden behind them. At a certain time everything will become clear to me, but it is not so necessary – I have a Guru and everything that is needed will come through him.
Text 9. India
Two and a half years after guru diksha, I went on a journey to my Guru's Haridwar ashram in India. There I got two more initiations – sanskar and sankalp diksha. These dikshas and the opportunity to be in the presence of Gurudev are the main reasons why I went on a journey to India.
Many interesting things happened during this journey. You can, for example, tell about the sanskar and sankalp diksha that happened to me there, but this and the other should already be written as separate stories. Therefore, I will limit myself to some fragments of my spiritual pilgrimage.
After the celebration of Guru Purnima, Babaji was going to Delhi. But he stayed in the ashram for another 5 days. There were many disciples and ordinary visitors, both Indians and foreigners. Every day Babaji sat with everyone. Sometimes he said something, and sometimes all just sat silently, but mostly all approached Babaji for blessings. For many Hindus, visiting a holy person and receiving a blessing from him is almost like a rite (like confession and communion for Christians before Easter), so many people took photos as a memory. Some came, others, having completed what they had planned, went on. In ashram and around Babaji were crowded every day. So Babaji said that as long as there are people he will be in ashram.
All that number of people gathered on Guru Purnima (because it is a holiday of honoring gurus and holy people) created a certain atmosphere. Despite such a large number of people, ashram dining hall was feeding everyone for free. There were days when many people had to eat outside, and ashram was also ready for such a situation. Everything was calm and organized, and Babaji's presence in ashram turned the place into a beautiful deva-loka (abode of the gods). Babaji's atmosphere of freedom and gentle loving energies had a magical effect on everyone. Of course, everyone wanted Baba to stay longer in ashram, but many people have already left ashram – there were fewer people and, eventually, the time came for Babaji to leave Haridwar city and his ashram.
That day he was sitting with everyone as usual, but we already saw the movement that indicated his departure. Most, I think, felt in their hearts the symptoms of an imminent farewell to Guru. Something similar was described in the Srimad-Bhagavatam about Krishna when he was leaving Dwaraka.
Babaji got up from his chair. Said thank you to everyone, and went to the car. Many of the disciples went outside in the hope of prolonging their time with Guru. Babaji was sitting in the car, but disciples were still approaching him, and through the open door he continued to bless. I noticed that some even had wet eyes. But in the end, the door closed and the car drove off. It was evening, and the Sun also like Babaji, was going to close the door and go beyond the horizon until the next meeting.
When the Guru left ashram, I immediately went to the Ganga. Sat on the bank of the river for a while and decided not to delay going to the darkroom. (Darkrooms are dark retreat rooms for meditation and samadhi practices. Babaji gave me permission to stay in the darkroom earlier.)
After all, Babaji departure ashram, and without Guru the ashram became empty, so nothing attracted me except practices. An hour or two later I was in the darkroom and prepared to do practice.
I stayed in the darkroom for two nights and two days. About my stay there, as well as about sanskar and sankalp diksha, a separate story should be written, so I will limit myself only to the very fact of such an event.
After the dark room, there were still six days left before the flight from India. Together with my friends, I spent this time visiting the holy places of Haridwar. We were at Har Ki Pauri Ghat – this is the place where Vishnu shed one of the drops of Amrita (nectar of immortality). We visited Maya Devi temple (Maya Devi temple is shakti-peeth. It is the place where the navel and heart of Sita fell, the wife of Lord Shiva). Daksheshwar Mahadev temple is located one and a half kilometers from our ashram, so we often went there. This is the place where Prajapati Daksha performed the famous fire yajna and where Sita sacrificed herself. There are two temples there, and it is a very special place. Also, not far from this place is ashram and temple-tomb of the famous modern saint Anandamaya Ma, all buildings there are made of white marble. There are also Mansa Devi and Chanda Devi temples and many other places, but we didn't have time to get there. A religious festival was taking place in Haridwar, and moving around the city was difficult. (In two hundred thousand Haridwar there were more than three million pilgrims. Getting in and out of the city was very difficult.)
There was no public transport (buses) during the festival, and private taxis refused to take us to the Delhi airport. It is said that Lord Shiva didn't want to let us go from Haridwar, He wanted us to stay. We would have happily stayed longer, but airlines have their own rules and regulations. So we asked the blessings of Shiva, Mother India and Gurudev for a successful homecoming.
We got to the airport an hour and a half before check-in for the flight. So, everything turned out well in the end, although it took us 15 hours to travel from Haridwar to Delhi airport. Taxi drivers usually cover this distance, which is slightly more than 200 kilometers, in 4-5 hours.
We successfully reached home. I immediately got to work.
Everyone perceives India, its culture and peculiarities in their own way. India has become my second home. I live in a village, so I don't need special comfort, even the famous Indian dirt didn't bother me (Either I was there where there was not much of it, or I didn't notice, or maybe I just didn't come for that.) India accepted me as a son, and I also accepted India. Every day from the roof of the ashram I looked at the Himalayas and asked for their blessings. The Indians were very friendly and sincere, they tried to help whenever possible without asking for anything in return. It was easy for me in India.
Text 10. The Sun, the Guru, the path to oneself
The best things in life happen between a Master and disciple.
It will be at the highest level, and nothing can be said about those two.
Pilot Babaji (Kundalini)
It happened in the second week after my arrival from India. I was returning home in the evening, and when I got off the bus, I could just see how the Sun was preparing to finish his work. I stopped and directed my gaze towards the setting Sun. I often, since childhood, look at the sunset. This is a special point for me, because my appearance in this world was when the Sun was preparing to move to the other side and become invisible to the physical eye.
I stood and watched the sunset. Something always turns on in my head at such moments. It was the same this time, but I felt sad – the Sun is going away now, and I won't see it until tomorrow. I felt it, and experienced these feelings. It reminded me of something. I understood: just as the Sun was going to close the door and go beyond the horizon until the next meeting, so as Guruji was leaving ashram.
Then, looking deeper into myself, I understood – in fact, I missed myself, and not the Sun. In fact, I experienced a sense of separation and missing from myself. I have seen the Sun, I have seen Guruji, but it is all in me. The Sun, the Lord and my Gurudev are all within me. And wherever I am, this is always with me. And I can also be where the Sun is always, where the Guru doesn't have to leave anywhere. It's all in my possibility. All this can be to realize.
From Babaji I heard these words: "When I became your Guru, I became bound. But I want to be free. Your freedom is my freedom. It is waiting for you. Sadguru is waiting for you. He is waiting to dance, to laugh, to celebrate, because your realization is his dance, his freedom. Your aloneness is his aloneness."
Guru is the Sun that illuminates the path. The presence of a realized Guru in one's life is a great fortune that is possible as a result of blessings, good karma and true intention. But the Guru is not the ultimate goal. One should not try to make the Guru one's property, nor should one become a slave of the Guru. A true Guru will never allow love to turn into dependence and then attachment. The bond between Guru and disciple is not broken even after death. This is a beautiful relationship filled with unconditional love. Everything that has to happen will happen at the right time, you don't have to forcefully attract events. The Guru's love is great and perfect. His blessing and protection will save you from mistakes and dangers. You can always turn to the Guru and he will certainly help you. But to actually meet the Guru, it is necessary to go within yourself, not to the place where he is physically present. A real meeting is possible only inside. When the outer and the inner meet, we ourselves become the path we follow.
I got to know and understood all this from my path, which I'm walking. I go forward and the new day is a movement that reveals my life, which my Guru will always witness. The time will come and no one will stop the dance of freedom. Everything has been waiting for this for a very long time. And it can be at any time, even now. I understood this while in the darkroom - everything had already happened. It doesn't matter if it's in the future or in the past - it's already happened, you just have to wait for time to change the scenery. And this Great Expectation we will also celebrate, laugh and dance.